#10 The Real Deal

The unknown.

Courtney and Kai provided a great conclusion to our class yesterday with their presentations, and left us all with a great thought to wrap up with: the unknown. I realized, if anything, that is what has scared us throughout this course. It is not knowing what goes on in childbirth...or the day to day duties of mothering...basically no practical knowledge of anything motherly.


This semester we've seen some horrible mothers and some terrifying children:

1. We've sympathized with Frankenstein's monster, as he terrorizes society because of his abandonment issues. ..
2. Freaked ourselves out with the story of Ben in The Fifth Child; the scariest child ever, by no real fault of his parents...
3. Watched in disbelief as Katherine abandons her husband and child in The South and finds love in Spain, only to be deprived by the death of her new husband and child---all the while, she endures all of this as emotionless as a log...
4. Studied the "problem with no name" that plagued many of our motherly predecessors in the '50s and subsequent decades--the inability to put a name to the emptiness they felt trapped within their home and role as mother...
5. Seen the danger of perhaps loving too much in Beloved...
6. Discussed the details of birth after reading "Giving Birth" ...
7. Suffered with Wayne and his family in Annabel as they tried to come to terms with an abnormal situation...

...and through all of that, many would think we've seen a pretty bleak view of motherhood. But I would argue that the scariest part of this class was actually reflecting on what I don't know about being a mother. For me, it gave new meaning to the phrase "knowledge is power." 

I've had to consider things that I had never before thought about. Instead of fearing the hard parts and things that could go wrong, everything we have read and talked about has made me for more prepared--empowered, if you will.

This class has caused me to read more literature dealing with mothers, and to remain more aware of moms in the news and in day to day life.

It isn't the stories or information that is scary about being a mother ourselves. It is what we don't know. And now I feel empowered enough to believe that I can do it.

#9 "Remove Child Before Folding": The Backlash of Helicopter Parents

Is it really necessary, as the title of this post suggests, for strollers to carry the tag "Remove Child Before Folding"? I hardly think so. 

But yes, these sort of labels now run rampant in our society thanks to the overprotective nature of today's parents. At least according to TIME's Nancy Gibbs in her article "The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting" . In this article, she details the multiple ways that parents today define the "helicopter parent;" the hovering, always-present, too-involved mothers (and fathers, although *surprise surprise* they are rarely mentioned). These parents have been known to follow their kids to college and altogether take away the meaning of independence.


"10 is the new 2. We're infantilizing our kids into incompetence," says mother, Lenore Skenazy, who was dubbed " America's Worst Mom" for letting her 9 yr old son ride the subway alone (read her take on her nickname here).  Worrying and keeping our kids from too much is doing more damage then giving them a little freedom to grow up; children grow up to be naive and incompetent because they are not given any responsibility anymore, or any room to grow on their own.

In my opinion, if this new modern parenting is provoking such asinine labels as previously discussed...and discouraging children from going to the park to meet up with friends for a friendly game of pick-up basketball...and encouraging parents to trail their kids to college....   we are going in the wrong direction. It is scary thinking about all the things that could happen to your child--but our parents and grandparents survived without labels informing them to remember to not do anything stupid. They survived days in the park and college all by their lonesome. As noted in the article, crime is actually down compared to previous generations--it is just more available because of the ever-present media; and by that I mean, available everywhere we look, so it seems like a lot. Either way, I don't think helicopter-parenting instills any sort of self-sufficiency or self-confidence or allows the kid to simply be a kid--and grow to be his own person. 

#8 Treadway's Trials

In the midst of Wayne's life and trials, it is easy to lose sight of the hardship it also causes his parents. Most specifically, it is easy to ignore Treadway's plight as Wayne's father. Not to say that Treadway suffers in the same way that his son does, but he is indeed attempting to survive his own private hell, as it were. Once again, as it was while reading “The Doll's House,” it is important to consider the environment and culture in which our male/father character is immersed. Treadway is a stereotypical macho male hunter. If your home and livelihood revolve around spending extended periods of time in the wilderness, if in that kind of isolated environment you are most at home, if that kind of lifestyle/personality is expected of you...I feel that the emotional maturity and capacity to deal with the situation of Wayne would be an exception, not the rule. In the little Canadian town, things are black and white—not shades of gray. Wayne's birth definitely falls under the latter category. Treadway is simply not equipped to deal with it in a way that may be more acceptable to most of Annabel's audience.

However, I'd like to argue that Treadway tries; he really tries to come to grips with a situation that he does not understand in the least. He wants to protect his child and family first and foremost; wants them to be normal so as not to draw negative attention. His perceived indifference to his son's and wife's feelings is his only defense mechanism. But how can we not see how hard he is trying to comprehend when he organizes the synchronized backhoe number for his son? Even when he was tearing down the bridge, I felt pity mixed in with my anger at his action—how confused he must be. I am not dismissing some of his actions, just trying to understand them and give Treadway the fair trial he deserves.

It is really nothing new; we often forget the father, his emotions, and his potential suffering. And often times they suffer in silence.

#7 Nobody's Perfect

I was thinking about the pressure put on today's mothers to be perfect and reflecting on the great quote our professor posted on her blog here . Lately, due to the increased number of friends and people I know getting married and having babies, I've been thinking about what kind of mother I will be--and frankly, it has been scaring the hell out of me. As a Type A perfectionist, it scares me thinking that basically, being a mom consists of learning on the job--and inevitable mistakes. What if I can't get my baby to stop crying? What if I mess up on the position my baby should be sleeping? What if I get impatient and yell? What if I let her/him get hurt? What if I make too many mistakes and just am not cut out to be a mom???

The quote on Professor Palko's blog calmed me down a bit; "blowing it as a mother every once in a while doesn't spell disaster for your kids' psyche. It just doesn't."

Popular MOTHERLOAD blog and Top 100 Mommyblogs author, Amy Wilson,  also made me feel better with her most recent post (see link above). Her little girl came into her room in the middle of the night wanting something to drink. Amy, being overtired, exasperatedly yelled at her to go back to bed, at which case, her daughter promptly ran to the bathroom and threw up. Later, Amy apologized to her daughter for yelling, and was properly chastised by the little girl for "not being nice."  *Sigh of relief*..One mistake every once in a while does not spell doom for your child, and it even seems that it can be some type of learning experience for both of you.

Although I have not totally quieted the anxiety in my heart about being a mother (and I doubt I ever will completely squash my perfectionist tendencies) it has reassured me to know that I cannot be expected to never make a mistake as a mother. It just does not happen. Nobody is perfect. Even Mom.

#6 Lessons From Deep Within the Tiger Den..

And Amy Chua is back in the news. The Yale law professor caused a stir this winter with the publishing of her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, a memoir about her strict, Chinese parenting style. Chua's children were not allowed play dates or sleepovers, watch TV or play video games, had to play violin or piano, and could not choose their own extra-curricular activities (these are only a few of the major bullet points in Chua's "Chinese parent" philosophy.) Professor Chua stated that this philosophy is the reason for the success and excellence Chinese children, the reason for the true stereotype of Chinese geniuses and math whizzes. She gave her children as proof of the success of her methods: her oldest daughter Sophia gave a performance in Carnegie hall at the age of 14, and her younger daughter Louisa is excelling on the same path as her older sister. Now, as if to further prove Chua's point, Sophia has just been accepted into Harvard. ...because of Amy's strict parenting techniques..???

The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother caused an uproar because of Chua's harsh tactics, often calling her children "garbage" , screaming at them for getting less than an A in school, and not worrying about her girls' self esteem.  Although I can hardly agree with her strategy, is there something to say for actually being the "parent" in the relationship with your child? Not her best friend? After all, best friend is not the role of the mother or father, is it?

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-the-tiger-mothers-daughter-gets-into-harvard-was-it-worth-it/

The above blog takes on a different view than the majority responses to Chua's memoir. And I think I agree with it. Professor Chua's take on parenting is harsh, to say the least, and I do not think that guilt and degradation should play a role in parenting, but it is a little refreshing in the age of no responsibility, to see parents actually being parents. Isn't that how it should be? Parents disciplining, loving--sometimes tough-love--demanding manners and hard work...not excusing horrible behavior and always coddling them?   My parents were always my parents first; "stricter" than many of my friends' parents. But now that I am grown and about to be on my own, I am so thankful for that. And my Mom and Dad are now my best friends.

What do you think? Is there a strand of truth in Amy Chua's stance on being the "parent" first?

#5 Not the 'Doll's House' of our childhood

Although we weren't assigned the entire reading of A Doll's House in class, I looked up the rest of the play and was even more disturbed. Around her husband, Nora acts like and is completely treated like a child. He delights in thinking that she is completely dependent on him, as something that would not survive without his constant instruction and indulgence.She is not comfortable talking about issues with 'Torvald', but instead tries to go behind his back, committing forgery, (which as a side note, was only because women weren't allowed to sign for themselves on loans--which opens a whole 'nother can of irritations for me..)  to make everything right. And then, instead of being understanding of what she had been trying to do, and thankful for doing it to save his life, Torvald belittles her. He calls her immoral, dishonest, and unfit to raise their children...until he finds out that her forgery will no longer embarrass him; then he professes how much he loves her, mostly because of how much she needs him. It is not until this moment that she realizes that she does not love him, and he does not love her--just himself. Ugh. No wonder Nora leaves.

I cannot, in my heart of hearts, be comfortable with a woman's decision to leaver her children...but I can get behind Nora's choice to leave her husband. But that is modern-day, independent me speaking. It is obvious that there is such an element of conformity and social pressure at work here; as much as I dislike Torvald by the end of the play, I feel sorry for him. He is a product of his environment, as is Nora's submissiveness to an unhappy life.

Betty Friedan's The Feminine Mystique examines the problems of Nora's unhappiness at length. In 1957, Ms. Friedan conducted a survey of her former Smith College classmates and found that many of them were unhappy in their marriage and role as housewives, dubbing it the "problem that has no name." She further went on to examine how there were two images of women promoted by men: happy housewives and unhappy career women--as if there was no middle ground. She noted that many women dropped out of college early to marry, afraid that if they waited too long or became too educated, they would never attract a husband.

The film "Mona Lisa Smile" is a perfect representation of this '50s mindset. Julia Roberts plays Ms. Watson, a young professor at Wellesley College, an all girls school in 1953. Ms. Watson strives to make it known to her young women students that they are capable of both career and family life; that they shouldn't settle for marriage just because society tells them too...

                               What Does it Mean? 

Pregnancy According to Phoebe..

Just some pregnancy truths from Phoebe Buffay....

   

#4 Re: Dumb Mom on What Not To Wear

As my classmate astutely describes here, every "mommy blog" that we have encountered has seemed to brush right past the down and dirty (literally) parts of being a mom. And that is not to say that we have not looked for blogs who tell it like it is; we spent a whole class deeply perusing the list of the Top 100 Mommyblogs, only to find that most are covered with ads for products, giveaways, arts/crafts, recipes... instead of the guts of what it is to be a mother. The mothers on the Top 100 are models, writers, wealthy "stay-at-home" moms who seem totally removed from the job of being a mom.

As a class, we've had our share of realistic mother literature. From Beloved,where Toni Morrison describes Sethe's battle with overcoming slavery and the lasting effects the institution has on her mothering skills, to The Fifth Child, where we were shown the hardship and toll on the mother of several babies in a short span of time--especially if one happens to be..well, especially difficult. Most recently, we looked at Margaret Atwood's short story "Giving Birth;" an account of a woman's shift into the role of mother, and the sometimes-scary unknown of the actual  act of giving birth. True, at times I found myself squeamish from too much use of my imagination, but this is preferable to the alternative--an idealistic view of what motherhood entails.

It's not that I'm looking for an intense dissection of every gory detail of giving birth, diaper-changing, and spit-up...yet, a little truth, a little realistic education, would go a long way in allowing me to picture what I'm in for when I start that adventure for myself...

#3 Tale As Old As Time...

As I lay sprawled out on my bed last weekend, water bottle and Kleenex in hand, I popped my Christmas present into the DVD player of my laptop and felt  my sickness woes fade into Disney bliss. Yes, my dad gave me--a 21 year old, soon-to-be graduate of Notre Dame--the Beauty and the Beast DVD for Christmas. And I can honestly say it was my favorite gift, finding its way into our home DVD player shortly after unwrapping.

Belle and the townspeople strolled across the screen, and my mind wandered to Peggy Orenstein's new book, Cinderella Ate My Daughter....    are Disney princesses really that bad for the girls of today?

Belle was my idol as a little girl; it was so bad, that I would stop the movie right before the opening scene of Belle singing downtown in her village so that I could position myself right outside the living room and parade in to the room singing right along with the French beauty. Not to mention the Beauty and the Beast tent and sleeping bag, apparel, and story tapes (that I fell asleep to every night) that found their home in my bedroom.

Now, yes.. I seem to have been a little obsessed. But I think it was for the right reasons:

1. Belle's undying love for books and reading. I could not get enough of reading and often would get in trouble for staying up too late with a book. 
2. The way Belle did not settle for the jerk of the village, although Gaston was the most "handsome" around. Her ability to see Gaston's true character and realize that she deserved better than that resonated even in my young, immature heart. 
3. Her yearning for something more, something more exciting and fulfilling than staying in the same little town. 
4. Her love for her father. Need I say more?
5. Belle's ability to look past the appearance of the Beast, and realize that all he needed was some guidance, love, and a friend. 

                                (Belle's wish for something more..than that "boorish, brainless" Gaston..)

I didn't view Ariel as someone who changed herself for a man--I saw her stubbornness, her loyalty to her family, her bravery, and the importance of true love. Cinderella emphasized the idea of friendship, as the mice scurried around to help our their friend. Jasmine demonstrated the ability to stand up for herself and think on her feet. I developed into an independent (sometimes too much so), stubborn, self-sufficient, ambitious young woman....despite (?) my Disney childhood.

I know that on some level, there is a negative message that can be gleaned from anything, even Disney movies. And yes, immersing a little girl in the frilly, pink, girly culture of Barbies, princesses, and pageantry is something that should probably be controlled with a rule of moderation. But I think that is the key: moderation. It also seems to be overlooked that there is parenting involved in a child's upbringing--the girl is not just turned loose in the world of frills and tiaras. If good values and strong virtue is being reinforced by the parents, a little Disney princess is not a bad thing. After all, every little girl should get the opportunity to feel like a princess for a little while...

(#2) The Ring, The Mommy, and the MBA

Maybe it due to our very Catholic and family-oriented values, but here at Notre Dame we have an obsession with the "ring by spring."  As a Notre Dame freshman girl, it is one of the first "traditions" you hear about, and learn to despise, thanks to the ribbing we often get by our male counterparts about pursuing our M.R.S. Yet deep down, that very romantic part within every girl loves talking about "what ifs" and creepily stalking the spring weddings at the Basilica every Saturday. Not that everyone is in search for that coveted step into marriage during their Notre Dame careers, but the topic never strays very far from the mind.

Even as I sit in the majority of the population of the senior class who has not gotten engaged or plans to in the immediate future, I realize that I probably put myself under just as much pressure thinking about my future plans to be a wife and mother as I would if I was part of the minority with the ring. As young women in a world still dominated by men, thinking about balancing our career ambitions alongside a role as mother and wife is intimidating. In class, we recently read an excerpt from The Mommy Myth, by Susan Douglas. In it, she describes the new momism:  "the insistence that no woman is truly complete or fulfilled unless she has kids, that women remain the best primary caretakers of children, and that to be remotely decent mother, a woman as to devote her entire physical, psychological, emotional, and intellectual being, 24/7, to her children."

That is a tall order for those of us who have been encouraged and told again and again that we can make it in the business/economic world of men. How are we supposed to devote ourselves to our job, and climb the ladder, and also be this "super-mom" that society wants us to be?


It is an impossible standard for us to uphold. Even if we try. A recent study by two Harvard economic professors (see article here: Measuring the Mommy Penalty) shows that highly educated, ambitious women suffer salary loss from trying to accomplish both. Female  M.B.A.s who have taken18 months off for maternity leave earn 41% less than the average male M.B.A. Female Ph.Ds earn 33% less than male Ph.D.s, female lawyers earn 29% less than their male counterparts, and female MDs earn 16% less than male doctors. (This survey was based "on Harvard College graduates from the classes of 1969 through 1992, a study of M.B.A.’s from the University of Chicago as well as nationwide surveys of various professions.") 


Male and female M.B.A.s earned the same amount at the beginning of their careers, in this study, but after 5 years, females only earn about 74% of what their male counterparts earn, and after 10 to 16 years, 55% of what males earn. 
In summary, trying to balance the fast lane with the responsibilities and expectations of being a devoted mother seems to leave a woman in a no-win situation: one tries and to be the SuperMom that society holds up as the standard, and she seems to forfeit some of the ambition and success in the workworld; one tries to exceed every expectation in the workforce and climb to the top of the ladder, but she then forfeits her ability to be a wonderful mother...


Do we on some level  just have to accept that we are going to sacrifice career opportunities and success when becoming a mother? and vice-versa? 

Frankenstein: The MOMster

There is really no question about it; Victor Frankenstein was not a good mother. At least not that we've seen thus far. A volume into Mary Shelley's novel, we see Victor call his creation ugly, run screaming into the night away from it, and not even give the creature a name. Yes, the "monster" is made out of the body parts of dead humans. And yes, if the creature I just created out of dead body parts was reaching out for me with a huge, dead hand, I would probably be very tempted to run shrieking into the darkness too. Fortunately, I am not planning any wild scientific experiments with life anytime soon. But Victor, in a seemingly very literal sense, is the monster's "mother"--his creator. It is no wonder that the creature faces a wall of abandonment issues and develops a hatred of all things humans that causes him to murder Victor's brother. It is hard to justify murder, yet it is also hard to justify abandoning your "child"  to the horrors of this world. 


Unfortunately, this is not only a fictional tragedy. We are bombarded with stories everyday of parents abandoning their children (here), or neglecting their well-being (and here) --or worse, harming their children (and worst of all, here). Mothers are supposed to be the source of love, nurturing, and all-around well-being of their children. It is through our mothers (and fathers) that we learn how to be the best person we can be. It is a huge responsibility to be a mother; a human being is looking at you to be the source of everything. Yet what an honor and opportunity to be everything to a child. Hopefully, parents everywhere can learn something about the vital importance of "mothering" from the lack thereof by Victor Frankenstein.


Here is what I have learned so far from Victor: 

1. DO NOT devote every waking minute to the building of a creature made out of body parts.   ...but...
2. If I happen to ignore lesson #1, DO be sure to expect my creature to be hideous. 
3. If said creature is hideous, despite being scared, DO NOT abandon him to wreak havoc on the rest of civilization. I brought him into this world and he is my responsibility to love, educate, and look after. 

and really...

1. DO study how said creature picked up language so fast and actually comprehended Paradise Lost on such a deep level during his first reading..